The Arranged Marriage — Act 3, Scene 4
Setting — A palatial apartment on the 18th floor, the only high-rise among many sprawling bungalows in a retired bureaucrats’ colony, West Bangalore. It is past 4 PM, a week after the mayhem of Baron Hill.
The Kailasams are in their element on their home turf, sipping tea from gold-gilded silver cups, seated on expensive-looking leather furniture. Mrs Kailasam is wearing much more gold than the occasion demands, while Mr Kailasam is dressed the opposite — a simple white kurta-dhoti. Their son, the prospective groom, is still getting dressed, and yet to make an appearance.
The Shankars are seated opposite them. They arrived 15 minutes ago, and the conversation is at a lull after the usual pleasantries. Kritika is sulking, having been forced by Savitri into a garish saree, flowers and jewelry. Savitri is openly goggling at the casual display of wealth around the house like a startled frog, and Shankar is examining his nails keenly. Ranjani and Rajesh, who have accompanied them to the Kailasams, have walked to the terrace garden. Ranjani is making loud observations about how good a match this will be for both families, while Rajesh is studiously inspecting a grafted rosebush.
Savitri: (tearing her eyes away from a tall silver Krishna idol on an agate pedestal. Smiles gratuitously)
Ashwin is yet to be seen? Is he busy at work? Poor thing, handling the business on his own at such a tender age —
Shankar’s sigh, eye roll, and snigger is masked by Mr Kailasam’s booming laugh.
Mr Kailasam: If his age is tender, then when I took over the business, I was a baby, for sure! He is at home, today, as we instructed him to be. (calls out loudly) Ashwin! Dei, Ashwin! How long do you need to get into decent clothes?
(winks at Kritika in a show of comradeship)
Beautiful girls will not keep waiting for you! Better come out soon, son!
Embarrassed / forced laughter makes its way around the seating.
Mrs Kailasam: So, Kritika, I hear you’re quite a workaholic! Tell us more about what you do, for fun.
Kritika: Err-
Savitri: She is very fond of cooking, Kusuma. In fact, after going back home, she was planning to make an 8-course temple-themed lunch for us —
Shankar: (clasps Kritika’s hand and discreetly tickles the inside of her palm to indicate that he is on her side) You are welcome to join us. I’m sure she will make enough to feed the neighbourhood, if needed. So benevolent, our Kritika… In fact, she feeds so many dogs and cats on a daily basis that our house has become a de-facto hotel for animals —
Mrs Kailasam: (grins widely, fake) Well, it’s a good thing we decided to meet here, today, instead of at your place last week! I am terrified of animals. They should not come within 100 meters of me, or any of my family members. Chee, so dirty, rolling in filth…. (shudders delicately)
Savitri: (laughs nervously, knowing the Mariana Trench depth of her daughter’s affection for anything on 4 legs) Kritika will adjust, I’m sure. Right, Kritika? It’s not a big deal, right?
Shankar: Sure she will adjust. She won’t bring any animals to the 18th floor. What she does anywhere is nobody’s business, right, Savitri? She knows to wash her hands, that much we’ve taught her.
Mrs Kailasam and Savitri are both looking daggers at Shankar. Mr Kailasam calls out again to his son Ashwin, who comes out of a room on the far end of the living room, dressed in an ill-fitting green sherwani. He is as cute as a baby Pokemon, pleasantly chubby, white-skinned. Nothing handsome or macho about him. He ogles openly at Kritika all the way to his seat between his parents.
Mrs Kailasam: Here’s our Ashwin! (beams with pride) He objected so much to being at home today, but one mention of your Kritika and he stopped speaking!
Ashwin: (blushing and looking at his toes) Hi. Kritika. Nice to meet you.
Kritika nods, unimpressed.
Ashwin: (still looking down) Aunty Ranjani mentioned that you’re quite cultured, and have not had any male friends apart from study groups…? So rare to find a gem like you!
Kritika: (sputtering) I - what - NO! Mom?!
Savitri: (hissing under her breath) You will speak contrary to this, only over my dead body.
Mrs Kailasam: (sweetly) How well behaved! How soft-spoken! She takes her mother’s permission to speak! Such a perfect fit for our family! My Ashwin is also like this. He does not speak without my assent.
Mr Kailasam: Let these two speak alone, what say Kusuma? I’m sure they will have a million things to discuss. Meanwhile, let’s call Usha Mishtan just around the corner. They’ll be here with sweets by the time our Keertika and Ashwin give us the good news!
Shankar: (eyes glinting with repressed laughter) No pressure, Kritika. Take alllll the time you need.
Mrs Kailasam: Go, Ashwin. Ask all the important things we discussed.
Scene change - Kritika and Ashwin in a spacious balcony overlooking a golf course just beyond the property.
Ashwin: (mumbles) You are so beautiful.
Kritika: What? Didn’t quite catch that, sorry.
Ashwin: I mean, the view is so beautiful —
Kritika: Yes, indeed. How much did your folks pay to acquire this apartment?
Ashwin: Err - I’m not so sure. Maybe around twelve crores? Anyway. I wanted to ask you about your post-marriage preferences…. (blushes beet red)
Kritika: (resigned sigh) Ok, shoot.
Ashwin: Post-marriage, what do you have in mind?
Kritika: You’re going to have to be more specific than that, I’m afraid.
Ashwin: Oh, don’t be afraid! I mean, we can start with the simpler things. Which bedroom do you like in this house?
Kritika: By simpler things, I thought you meant “where would you like to travel”, or “what’s your favourite animal” —
Ashwin: HAHAHAHAHA no, that’s something we will discuss after the engagement. Honeymoon planning is something so special —
Kritika: Slow down, I haven’t even said yes, yet. And honeymoon? I meant travel, in general.
Ashwin: Ok, leave that aside. Tell me, do you want to continue with our line of cooks, or do you want to impress me and my mom by making crazy things in the kitchen yourself?
Kritika: (dryly) Will you be impressed by instant noodles? That’s all I can make. Can throw it around and catch it in the pan, maybe, if you all like theatrics.
Ashwin: (cheerfully) Ok, cooks will continue, then. Not a problem, not a problem! I want four children, two boys and two girls — one for India, one for me, one for you, and one for the grandparents!!
Kritika: I - what - pardon my fucking French - are you for real? What in heaven’s name are you thinking? I haven’t even said YES!
Ashwin: (happily) In fact, your mother said yes already.
Kritika: No I DID NOT! And I did not know my mother was on the market, congratulations to her and you.
Ashwin: (smugly) My mom tells me that good girls swear only in the presence of their loved ones. You just swore. And said NO very loudly. Your NO means a YES deep in your heart.
Kritika: (turning to go back) I CANNOT believe someone like you exists. I CANNOT fucking believe that someone like you is allowed to SPEAK. (looks all over the living room for her parents, but they’re not around)
Ashwin: (hurt, pouts, tries to grab her wrist, but she is too fast for him) Hey, now you’re just being mean. Don’t push me away, darling! You know you love me!
Kritika: (loudly) Is this a bloody glitch in the Matrix? Is my message not getting across?
Ashwin: Honey, we can always stay in a different house in the same complex, if that’s what you want —
Kritika: You and your real estate can go to hell.
Ashwin: (goo-goo eyes) Aww, she loves me! How much she swears when I’m around!
Kritika: HELLO, Mr Ashwin, we’re done, ok? DONE.
(her phone rings insistently)
Ashwin: You can answer it, sweetheart, you have my permission —
Kritika: GRRRRRRRRRRRRR (does not see who is calling, answers)
Hello? Oh! (her expression immediately softens)
Vignesh: All ok? Did I catch you at a bad time?
Kritika: Terrible time. An entitled sonofabitch seems to think I said yes to him when I’ve not known him for two minutes —
Ashwin: HEY NOW -
Kritika: I’ll push you off the balcony if you interrupt me. Get it? Out of my sight. NOW.
Ashwin slunks away quickly.
Vignesh: I am SO sorry, Kritika. You have no idea how much. Please do not push anyone off balconies on my account.
Kritika: Sorry for what? For screw-nut-bolt? Or ghosting me for an entire week? Or for that stupid drunk email you sent Abhimanyu? Or for the HR hearing I had to endure? What, Vignesh?
Vignesh: Screw-nut-bolt did not happen. I promise. As for the ghosting, I’m sorry again. I panicked.
Kritika: Bolt definitely happened, thanks. I was missing several buttons, and woke up alone with my stuff all over the room!
Vignesh: I vaguely remember us playing ping-pong with your buttons, since we couldn’t find any actual ping pong balls. That is kind of funny, don’t you think -
Kritika: Everyone thinks I slept with KAREEM! HOW am I supposed to -
Vignesh: I saw the email. I resigned a few days ago, but I’m sending a formal apology after I speak to you now. Don’t worry, your job will be ok. This was my mistake.
Kritika: (sarcastically) Ah, allll is well now. You heard the voicemail also, I suppose —
Vignesh: What voicemail?
Kritika: Oh no. No. No. No. You don’t remember the voicemaaaail —
Line goes blank. Vignesh calls back in a minute.
Vignesh: I heard it. No way to delete it, after this long. The lovedrunk cat’s out of the damn bag, then. (sighs) You do know that drunk people do not lie, I suppose?
Kritika: I wish you were lying. I wish with all my heart. (clutches the balcony railings quite hard)
Vignesh: Why? (sadly) I thought you felt the same way -
Kritika: (through clenched teeth) You’re getting married in the blink of an eye. My parents are already arranging sweets to celebrate my impending marriage which I have not even assented to.
Vignesh: So?
Kritika: (frustrated) How? Come on, V, you’re smarter than this!!
Vignesh: Of course I am.
Kritika: (enunciating every syllable through her teeth) It. Does. Not. Seem. That. Way.
Vignesh: Shruti’s a lesbian. (heaves a huge sigh) Damn, it felt good getting that off my chest. I’ve been potating over it for way too long.
Kritika: Did she tell you this? I guessed as much…. Saw her eyeing Bhanavi’s hindquarters in office when we crossed paths in the cafeteria.. Well, not eyeing. More like, ‘that pastry looks so yum I want to sink in it’.
Vignesh: No, she did not. Her best friend met me in secret and let me know. She did not want me ruining my life.
Kritika: There’s still some good in the world, after all! So are you still going ahead with this wedding thing next week?
Vignesh: She wants to go ahead with this sham marriage to make her folks happy. My mother, unfortunately, regardless of how ‘forward’ she is, does not believe that gays exist in India. So my whole plan of telling her went kaboom the moment I dropped the ‘lesbian’ bomb. She thinks it’s an excuse for me to get out of marriage because I’m still hung up over Chaitra.
Kritika: (laughs heartily) Uh oh!
Vignesh: Laugh, good woman, laugh. My plight is funny to you.
Kritika: (sobering up immediately) Sorry, V. It was funny, you gotta admit. (muffles sniggers) So, what’s the plan, then? Do you want me to kidnap you? I am more than capable.
Vignesh: Not so fast, Ms Shankar. I think you have a genuine problem with holding your horses.
Commotion in the Kailasams’ living room.
Kritika: (turning towards the sound) I’m going to have to call you back, V. Some argument here. Pray for me. (hangs up)
Shankar and Mr Kailasam are having a loud altercation, standing 10 feet apart. There are several piles of sweet boxes between them. Savitri and Mrs Kailasam are both standing behind Mr Kailasam’s wide frame.
Shankar: You expect my daughter to say yes just like that? That too for a nincompoop yes-master like your son?
Mr Kailasam rolls his sleeves threateningly and takes two steps forward.
Kritika: Hey, hey, ZIP IT, you two! Mr Kailasam! Back off, NOW.
Savitri: (piping up bravely) What’s wrong if she said yes, Shankar? Such a lovely family!
Mrs Kailasam: My Ashwin said yes. Why are you still arguing, Shankar?
Shankar: OHO, your ASHWIN said yes. Then let him marry himself, because my Kritika definitely hasn’t said anything yet!! I know my daughter quite well. This spineless lump of refined flour (pointing at Ashwin) is absolutely not to her taste.
Mrs Kailasam: (shrilly) Kailasam, you’re just standing there and watching?! That man is insulting your wife and son!
Shankar: (angrily) Savitri? Whose side are you on?
Savitri quietly crosses the invisible border and stands next to Shankar.
Savitri: Kritika, did you say yes, or not? (holds up a hand to stop Ashwin’s relentless blabbering) That’s all I need to know.
Kritika: NO, Amma. I said NO.
Savitri: (hangs her head in shame) I’m sorry, kanna. I believed Ashwin when he told us all that you had said yes, and you were busy telling your friends about the happy news. He asked us not to disturb you.
Kritika: (makes a run towards Ashwin and grabs his collar) YOU SAID WHAT? GODDAMIT! (Aims a kick at his crotch, is stopped by Shankar)
Shankar: Kritika! Think! Do you want to be accused of maiming this boy?
He yanks her away from the panicked Ashwin, she breathing heavily.
Mrs Kailasam: So much for her CULTURE and GOOD BEHAVIOUR! She bloody attacked my poor son!!
Rajesh: (placing a restraining hand on Shankar’s shoulder) Shankar’s right, kanna. Step back, immediately. I’m glad you said no. There was no sane reason for you to take the blame for already ruined goods.
Ranjani: Rajesh? Are you serious? You’re bringing this up for no reason!
Savitri: Ranju? What’s going on? What are you hiding?
Rajesh: It was not my place to rain on the party when both you and Savitri were so heavily invested in getting this relationship to materialise.
Ranjani: (defensively) It’s nothing a simple surgery cannot fix!
Mrs Kailasam: (slippery evasion) Oh it’s nothing, nothing, really! No surgery and all needed — come now, let bygones be bygones — if our children like each other then why not —
Rajesh: The boy has been married and divorced before. Ranjani chose to ignore this information. Ask her why, Savitri. Why did this relationship break, Kusuma? Why does nobody here know?
Mrs Kailasam: (sobbing) Do not ruin my boy’s future I beg you —
Shankar: (shouting) You wanted to ruin my daughter’s future!! Repeat telecast, that too! Go on, Rajesh!
Ranjani: He hit himself in the family jewels with a cricket bat years ago. What more is there to say? But a very famous Naati doctor in Tumkur has promised to fix the damage, so there’s no reason to fear!
Shankar: The girl’s family he was married into? They had no idea?
Rajesh: No. They did not know, I think, until they were too far in. I got to know a week ago and shared it with my wife. I thought I knew Kailasam well. None of my IAS folks were aware that this boy has such a history.
Savitri: (stunned) Ranjani? You knew? And didn’t tell me?
Ranjani is silent, ashamed.
Rajesh: I was happy when your meeting got postponed. Hoped things would stop right there, and I wouldn’t need to interfere. But if things had gone forward, if, for some reason, Kritika had even thought of saying yes, I would have jumped in without a question. She is akin to my daughter, and I would never dream of hurting her.
(hugs Kritika for a long time, then folds his hands in a sincere namaste, pulls Ranjani along and leaves. Shankar, Savitri and Kritika leave in silence soon after, not looking back.)
Scene change — The Shankars have come back home after a silent drive interspersed with Savitri’s quiet sobbing.
Kritika is humming happily, lying on the daybed with Karuppa, who is wagging his tail in sync. Shankar is lounging on the floor, on a large grass mat. Savitri is drinking tea, sitting on a singleton sofa.
Savitri: (grumpily, to Kritika) What on earth are you so happy about?
Shankar: (eyes twinkling) Tell, Kritika. We just came back after a thorough fiasco. You could have almost married a eunuch if Rajesh had not intervened. Whatever happened that has you grinning from ear to ear?
Vasu: Some other boy matter, Appa.
(thumbing through a giant book with equations)
Kritika: (snaps) Dei, Vasu, none of your business.
Vasu: I can solve Irodov in my sleep, so why should this silly nonsense bug me? I’m off. (hauls his study material into their room)
Shankar waits till Vasu is occupied, then fixes his keen gaze on Kritika.
Shankar: So…. Someone called you and made you super happy…. Who was it? At that Kailasam house?
Savitri: (putting her tea cup down) Oh, yes, who was it, Kritika?
Kritika: Err… nobody. Just some friend.
Savitri: Which friend? Boy or girl? With space or without space?
Kritika: (eyeroll) Boy SPACE friend.
Savitri: Office boy space friend? Was it that Abhimanyu again?
Kritika: This has probably been my most abused word in the past few days, but, NO. But isn’t it weird, how Appa called him to find me, and —
Shankar: (sternly) About that.
Kritika whines in protest and contorts herself into a tangled mess of arms and legs.
Savitri: We thought something terrible had happened to you, Kritika. Possibly the worst night of our lives.
Shankar: Yes. Much, MUCH worse than when we had to put up with your mother’s gas problem on the way to Ooty. Night journey. The entire bus was awake and complaining. (shudders)
Savitri: (angrily pinches Shankar on his arm) Get serious, will you, old man?
Shankar: Sorry, sorry. (massaging his arm) Yappa, why did you have to pinch so hard, wife?
Savitri: (ignores him) I want to know what happened. We deserve to know. You owe us an explanation, for what you put us through.
Kritika gets up abruptly and begins pacing anxiously.
Kritika: My phone switched off. I had a few drinks, fell asleep. Woke up the next morning. That’s all. THAT’S ALL!
Savitri: (shocked, slowly) Drinks?
Shankar: (swats his hand dismissively at Savitri’s shock) You’re in such a high-stress industry. I understand wanting to have a sip with colleagues. It’s perfectly alright as long as you —
Savitri: (interrupting, crying, rage) SHE COULD HAVE HAD WATER! OR LEMON JUICE!! AYYOOOO I DID NOT RAISE MY DAUGHTER TO PLAY WITH POISON —
Shankar: (louder) Drinks, fine. But drinking until you lose your senses, NOT FINE. Are you sure that was it? Nothing else happened?
Kritika: (dully) How does it matter even if something did happen, Appa? Amma will believe what SHE wants to believe, you will believe what YOU want to believe. My only supporter in this house is Karuppa.
Vasu: (shouts from their room) I support you, Akka!
Shankar: Dei, Vasu, shut up and focus on your studies.
Kritika’s phone rings. It is Vignesh. She ignores it for a few rings, looking anxious. Savitri snatches the phone on a whim, answers the call, but on loudspeaker.
Vignesh: (wind whistling in the background, he seems to be biking somewhere) Hey Pretty Krity, We never even finished our afternoon conversation —
Kritika tries to snatch her phone back from her mother, who throws it to Shankar, who throws it back, laughing.
Kritika: Vignesh, let’s talk later? You seem to be driving —
Phone flies to Vasu, who has joined the fun in the living room.
Vignesh: I miss you so much. How is my dearest on this fine evening?
Phone flies back to Savitri.
Savitri: She is fine, this is her mother speaking. How are you, Vignesh?
Vignesh: (his bike comes to a screeching stop. Dead silence) Errr… Hi aunty. Is Kritika around? It’s ok I’ll call later — convey my regards to uncle — bye — (hangs up)
Shankar: (triumphantly) SO. HMMMM.
Kritika: (blushing maroon) Nothing, Appa. We like each other that’s all. Nothing happened.
Savitri: Which caste is this boy from? You seem to like him, we can speak to his parents and fix your marriage —
Kritika: WHOA WHOA WHOA —
Shankar: (laughing, amused) Savitri, do you not remember? This boy had called me by mistake, looking for a groom for his mother?
Savitri: Ayyo. No, no, no. Not suitable for us. What will our people say? Mother got remarried when son is ready to ascend the stage? Chee.
Shankar: He seems to be a decent boy, Savitri. Let’s not cloud our judgement based on what his mother does or doesn’t do.
Savitri: What caste is he? I am not ok with this, even if he is a Brahmin.
Kritika: (irritably) If you’re not ok, why does the caste even matter here?
Savitri: (emotional) Don’t talk back to your mother — I underwent 38 hours of labour to bring you into this world — what for, I wonder —
Shankar: Ayyo Rama!! Enough, Savitri. Kritika, whatever it is, it does not seem to be serious yet. We WILL continue searching for other better grooms. Ok? Least I can ask, for what embarrassment you caused us in that police station.
Kritika: (grumbling) Trust you to milk an opportunity for beyond what’s possible, Appa...
Savitri: What happened to that matrimonial website, Shankar? Did you create Kritika’s profile?
Shankar: Daaaaamn. I totally forgot. I did! I’ll check right away. Right-ho, right-hoo. The groom search continues….
(pretends to drive into the kids’ room to use the computer, vroom-vrooming happily)
